Our Silly Little Girl

I started out in a grocery store parking lot.  I picked up the baby from the cart and gave her to Josh to put in her car seat.  She was about 2-3 months old.  Josh and I got in the car and started driving when I heard a noise and turned around to see her out of her car seat and sitting in the middle on the regular seat!  She was also not so little and was now about 7 months old.  I panicked at the sight of her not in her seat but she was pumped and celebrating that she got loose.  I told Josh to stop as we were still driving through the parking lot and I picked her up and strapped her into her seat.  I said, "What are you doing?!!!"  As I went to put her seat belt on, she started to freak out cause she didn't want to go back in.  I calmed her down and said, "You silly little girl" and tickled her and she was happy again.  Then we went back to driving...

It seemed like such an every day kind of dream... but so special to me.  I've been very afraid to have kids because I'm worried that I won't be a good mother- I won't know what to do, I'll be too mean, they won't like me, etc.  In the dream, I really believed she was my little girl and it came so naturally and easy. It's strange how dreams can give you the confidence you didn't know you had.  When I woke up I started crying because she was mine... and waking up took her away.  Dreams can be cruel in that way.  She was so beautiful.  Her skin was like mine but a little bit lighter.  She had really short hair but on the top of her head, she had a long tuft that we put in an elastic so it looked like a palm tree.  Her head was a little too big for her body but it was cute.  She had Josh's face shape with big cheeks.  She had his eyes too.  She had my features though- my mouth and nose.  She was so funny and sweet... Will this be my daughter some day?  Is she Victoria...????

Hugs and Kisses

The last few weeks have been full of mundane dreams.  I'm at the store... I see a friend... I do something boring.  Then about 4 nights ago I started dreaming again...

I start out in a scene that is semi chaotic and moving quickly.  I'm saying goodbye to family and walking out the front door of my Dad's house.  In my dream it's like I had spent a lot of time with the family and was saying goodbye but for some reason, the dream started when I was leaving and I felt cheated.  Josh opens the door to the car for me and I get in.  Suddenly, I realize that I am leaving my family and I don't want to go.  I tell Josh to pull over and run out and start hugging everyone.  I tell him I can't go yet because I haven't hugged and kissed everyone.  


I get out of the car and run to the nearest person, Dana.  I give her a big hug and a kiss and don't want to go.  Then I hug my Dad and aunts.  I see my uncle Lee carrying a car seat with a little baby inside and he says it's his baby.  The baby is a little boy and he has lots of hair and looks a couple weeks old and is gorgeous.  I look down at my other cousins looking on and I see my brother- Cash Monkey!  I say hello and he asks me to pick him up and I scoop him up and hug and kiss him.  I tell him that I love him and miss him and we sit down on a rocking patio chair.  He sits on my lap twists around to put his arms around my neck and rests his head on my chest.  I sit there rocking back and forth as he pats my arm and falls asleep.  My aunt Dee walks up and says, "He's precious isn't he?" and I say, "Yes... I never want to move."  I sit there rocking him until I wake up...


I woke up with blankets wadded up on my chest that felt like the weight of Monkey leaning on me.  I felt so sad.  I adore my little brother... although we aren't even close in age... there is something about him that seems miraculous.  I am a part of a religion that believes that children are innocent and I believe that but it's more than that... I can feel that he is special.  He has the brightest smile and radiates love.  He is special.  I know it.  I miss that little Monkey.